Why You Need A Tribe

Rebecca, 44, is a Bay Area parent with an inflexible work schedule.  She and her husband had pieced together a division of duties that kept the whole family’s busy schedules humming.  Rebecca and her husband are now separating, and the logistics of their arrangement no longer work.  Carl, 57, now has joint physical custody of his three, school-aged children; two of whom have special needs.  His wife is returning to work after 15 years, and Carl faces a big learning curve on hands-on childcare.

Transitioning from coupledom to life as a single parent can be a jolting reorientation and it can feel like sprinting across a tightrope without a net.   How do you and your family get through it?  That’s where the tribe comes in.

A Tribe In Action

In the immortal words of Joe Cocker:  you can ”get by with a little help from your friends”. It’s working for Rebecca.  Through a friend, Rebecca found a skilled family law attorney who will mediate her separation and prepare a separation agreement to file with the court.  Through another friend, she found an accountant who will look over her new budget and answer a question about how selecting Head of Household tax status could impact the Dissomaster formula for spousal support she may receive.   When she shared news of her separation with her inner circle, several friends stepped up, volunteering to be added as authorized persons to pick her daughter up from school should Rebecca find herself in a pinch.   For eons, people have banded together to create mutually-beneficial social groups in order to survive.  In fact, humanity may be at its best when the chips are down and we pull together.

How Do You Build a Tribe?

What if you’re new in town?  Or, if the demands of career and family have stunted your social life; what then?  It’s never too late to strengthen your tribe; here’s how:  Get to know your neighbors.  Borrow a cup of sugar, return it with a brownie dividend.  Get to know other parents at your child’s school, invite another family over for Friday night pizza in your backyard.  Help a pal with a landscaping project.  Welcome a neighbor’s new baby with a pot of daisies.   Whether you’re a man or woman, having an inner circle of friends who’ve “got your back” adds richness and comfort to your life.  A strong connection to friends and community does not fill in all the gaps left from a separation or divorce, but the reminder that you are not alone in the world is enormously beneficial for you and your children.  The important thing is to cultivate friendship:  give your friendship, give your time, lend an ear, lend a hand.   Enjoy the people in your life.

For couples who’ve decided to end their marriages, the question of what to do about the family home adds complexity to the divorce process. The recession has taken a bite out of nest eggs nationwide, across every demographic. High unemployment rates have not helped matters, and financial strain itself has fueled marital discord and divorce.

Selling the family home is a big challenge for many couples looking to divorce. Once, the marital asset of greatest value, for many, it has become an albatross. When neither spouse can afford the mortgage by themselves, and if the house cannot be sold for enough to pay off the lender, some people are deciding not to divorce, and instead, try to work out their differences. Others have decided to delay divorce. Couples set on splitting up are finding creative solutions to this housing dilemma. Here are some of the options:

(1) Becoming Roommates: Not for everyone, but a great many couples now find it a financial necessity. Should be attempted only by emotionally stable spouses parting amicably. Here’s how it works: The couple divorces or legally separates, but they share the home temporarily, as roommates, until the home can be sold. The reward for patience and getting along is the chance to sell the house when the real estate market turns around, preserve credit ratings, and maybe even walk away with a bit of cash. If there are children in the house, remember that little eyes will be watching how Mom and Dad treat each other under the new arrangement; there is a lifelong benefit for children in seeing their parents interacting respectfully and cooperatively in the course of, and after, divorce. Ground rules and courtesy are essential to keep the peace.

House Sharing Plus:  One fairly amicable, middle income, Bay Area couple with an underwater condo and a 5 year old child negotiated a creative stop-gap solution that accomplishes several of their joint goals: it keeps their child eligible to attend their chosen neighborhood public school, prevents a financial loss from a short-sale on their home, and gives their child more stability during the family’s transition. The couple worked out a modified house sharing plan that includes a one-year lease on a studio apartment. The child stays in the home and the parents rotate between the two residences. This arrangement requires a lot of flexibility and courtesy between the adults, but because both parties value what they stand to gain from the arrangement, they say it is worth it to them. Memorializing the terms of the arrangement, rules and what each party can expect, including an agreement on how disputes will get resolved, helps things run smoothly.

(2) CoAbode – Single Mothers House Sharing can be wonderful short or long-term solution to the housing needs of divorced mothers and their children. CoAbode facilitates house sharing opportunities for single mothers and their children in cities all across the country. For many women, house sharing may be the only way to keep their homes. Likewise, it gives single mothers who are looking for rental housing an alternative to apartment living. Aside from the financial benefits of house sharing, a camaraderie and friendship can develop that is supportive for both families. CoAbode has received gobs of national press (Good Morning America, NPR, USA Today, CNN, ….) and plans to offer a similar service for single fathers and their children in the future. See their website to learn more: www.coabode.com.

(3) Short Sale to Avoid Foreclosure: If the mortgage obligation cannot be met, if the house is worth less than the mortgage obligation, and if the family home is in danger of foreclosure, than a “short sale” might be a solution. Many lenders will work with borrowers to execute a short sale wherein the borrowers find a buyer willing to pay fair market value for their home, and the bank agrees to forgive the difference between the sales price and the mortgage amount. Typically, a borrower must prove that they are financially insolvent to be eligible. About.com has a brief and informative article on options for stopping foreclosure: http://homebuying.about.com/od/4closureshortsales/qt/011708_stopfore.htm. A real estate attorney can provide legal advice and negotiate with lenders on borrowers’ behalf.

Professional legal advice is key before making any decisions about who will live where. See How to Choose an Attorney for tips on how to find the kind of attorney you need.