Why You Need A Tribe

Rebecca, 44, is a Bay Area, about-to-be-single parent with an inflexible work schedule and a five year old daughter.  She and her husband had a deal on division of domestic duties that kept the whole family’s busy schedules on track.  But now that Rebecca and her husband are separating, he’s no longer willing to play ball.

Carl, 57, is another newly-single Bay Area parent.  He has joint physical custody of his three, school-aged children; two of whom have special needs.  During his marriage, his wife stayed at home and took care of all the kids’ needs including transportation and activities.  His wife is going back to work now, and Carl has no earthly idea how he’ll juggle his work with his share of kid duties.

Transitioning from coupledom to life as a single parent can be a jolting reorientation, and not having a spouse who is morally obligated to help you out can leave you feeling like you’re up a creek without a paddle.   One great solution to this quandary is to recruit a tribe.  Frankly, we all need a tribe…

A Tribe In Action

In the immortal words of Joe Cocker:  you can ”get by with a little help from your friends”.  It’s working for Rebecca.  Rebecca reached out to the parents of four of her daughter’s classmates and she worked out a trade:  Rebecca hosts a once monthly sleepover party for the other parents’ daughters (creating a parents’ night out) and in exchange, these parents agree to act as a phone tree for “in case of emergency” care for Rebecca’s daughter.

Within the tribe my family belongs to, I find things like Fettuccine Carbonara and Coq Au Vin make irresistible tribal currency.   For eons, people have banded together to create mutually-beneficial social groups in order to survive.  The key is to make fair trades and not take advantage of the tribe.  

How Do You Build a Tribe?

What if you’re new in town?  Or, if the demands of career and family have stunted your social life; what then?  It’s never too late to strengthen your tribe; here’s how:  Get to know your neighbors.  Borrow a cup of sugar, return it with a brownie dividend.  Get to know other parents at your child’s school, invite another family over for Friday night pizza in your backyard.  Help a pal with a landscaping project.  Welcome a neighbor’s new baby with a pot of daisies.   Whether you’re a man or woman, having an inner circle of friends who’ve “got your back” adds richness and comfort to your life.  A strong connection to friends and community does not fill in all the gaps left from a separation or divorce, but the reminder that you are not alone in the world is enormously beneficial for you and your children.  The important thing is to cultivate friendship:  give your time, lend an ear, lend a hand.   Enjoy the people in your life.

The Scene: Your seven year-old daughter hates you today.  Oh, and she doesn’t want to go to your house either – ever again – because you’re a big jerk.   You know this because she just said so, at the top of her lungs, as she ran from you upon your arrival to pick her up from Aftercare.  Heads turn, parental eyes fix upon you.

So, whatta ya gonna do about that, Big Guy?

Option (A):  grasp mouthy child by the arm; wag forefinger in front of small, defiant face; restore authority.  Walk child briskly to car then endure silent anger-fest all the way home.

Option (B):  Use your child’s emotional meltdown to help her work through some emotional gunk and come out the other side a happier, healthier kid you who likes you again.

Tough choice, eh?

San Francisco Bay Area Child Specialist [and Genius] Jamie Anderson never met a tantrum she didn’t like.  As Vice President and Program Developer of parent programs for the Institute for Collaborative Communication, and single mother of two teenagers, Jamie teaches parents why temper tantrums or (perhaps more accurately put) “meltdowns” are useful to us, along with how to effectively diffuse one once it’s served its purpose.

Why do kids have tantrums/meltdowns? To summarize, I offer this humble, automotive metaphor:  In a way, a kid is kind of like a car.  Over time, and especially through rough terrain [divorce, for instance] their insides can get clogged with gunk [emotions they don’t know what to do with] and the gunk interferes with engine performance and well-being.  For cars, there are fuel additives to help remove the gunk, and for kids, there’s a built-in pressure release valve known as the tantrum, or meltdown.

“A temper tantrum/meltdown is actually a very loud request for expression and some safe containment,” says Anderson, who teaches a system of inquiry, listening, not trying to “fix” it, and empathy, which combine to provide the child the help they need in cleaning out the internal residue of overwhelming emotions.

How to diffuse a tantrum/meltdown: Keep your cool and don’t try to thwart it.  Kids need a place to express overwhelming emotions in a safe way so the emotions don’t get “stuffed” causing a sundry of problems going forward.  Sometimes whacking a pillow to smithereens is just the ticket, though often, having a grown-up just sit and listen to them for 10 or 15 minutes can get the job done.  For little kids, having them draw works great, and movement is another terrific tool; especially useful for boys who “don’t want to talk about it”.

When a meltdown takes place in a public location it’s harder to conger up a productive parental response.  When I can, I address it on the spot, but when circumstances do not allow, I let my daughter know that I got the message that something’s up, and that she’ll have my full attention when we get home, or when we get to the car, or get ready for bed, etc..  This usually does the trick, and she can hold it together until the agreed upon time.

Tantrum Diffusion is easy to do once you get the hang of it, and works like fairy dust to help children re-locate their cerebral cortex (the home of logic and reason) and reemerge as themselves.

Unexpected consequences

If this sounds to you like an “airy fairy” response to a kid’s bratty behavior, and that coming down on the offending youngster is how they learn that tantrums don’t work; I will confess that I once agreed.  However, having tried it both ways with my own kids, I can tell you that this approach gets superior results – hands down.  You may also be happily surprised when your kids begin taking their worries and troubles to their Wise Dad instead of having a meltdown.

More on this in future posts.

Resources

Parenting from the Inside Out by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel & Dr. Mary Hartzell

In my experience, when kids reach the age of about 9, they naturally begin to develop an independent view of how their weekends should be spent; which is often with people other than their parents.  No parent, married or single, is spared this rejection, but for the Single Dad, hearing a chorus of “it’s boring at your house – I don’t want to go!” can be especially vexing because time with the kids is precious and scarce.  So what’s a Single Dad to do?

First, whatever you do, don’t get angry with the kids.  Here’s where you can utilize your more fully developed frontal lobe and trick the little stinkers into having a wonderful time, despite themselves…

Wise Dads do this by transforming “weekends at Dad’s” into “Adventure Weekends with Dad“. My dad taught me about adventure weekends and racking up happy memories; which is ironic because he didn’t have much of a role model.  His own father had abandoned him, his three sisters, and my grandmother when my dad was five years old.  Nonetheless, as his first born – and despite being a girl – I was brought up on simple, usually low-cost adventures, many of which involving power tools.  Those times forged a lifelong closeness between my dad and me, and did a lot to build my confidence and sense of self – which came in particularly handy during my angst-filled middle school years.

For couples who’ve decided to end their marriages, the question of what to do about the family home adds complexity to the divorce process. The recession has taken a bite out of nest eggs nationwide, across every demographic. High unemployment rates have not helped matters, and financial strain itself has fueled marital discord and divorce.

Selling the family home is a big challenge for many couples looking to divorce. Once, the marital asset of greatest value, for many, it has become an albatross. When neither spouse can afford the mortgage by themselves, and if the house cannot be sold for enough to pay off the lender, some people are deciding not to divorce, and instead, try to work out their differences. Others have decided to delay divorce. Couples set on splitting up are finding creative solutions to this housing dilemma. Here are some of the options:

(1) Becoming Roommates: Not for everyone, but a great many couples now find it a financial necessity. Should be attempted only by emotionally stable spouses parting amicably. Here’s how it works: The couple divorces or legally separates, but they share the home temporarily, as roommates, until the home can be sold. The reward for patience and getting along is the chance to sell the house when the real estate market turns around, preserve credit ratings, and maybe even walk away with a bit of cash. If there are children in the house, remember that little eyes will be watching how Mom and Dad treat each other under the new arrangement; there is a lifelong benefit for children in seeing their parents interacting respectfully and cooperatively in the course of, and after, divorce. Ground rules and courtesy are essential to keep the peace.

House Sharing Plus:  One fairly amicable, middle income, Bay Area couple with an underwater condo and a 5 year old child negotiated a creative stop-gap solution that accomplishes several of their joint goals: it keeps their child eligible to attend their chosen neighborhood public school, prevents a financial loss from a short-sale on their home, and gives their child more stability during the family’s transition. The couple worked out a modified house sharing plan that includes a one-year lease on a studio apartment. The child stays in the home and the parents rotate between the two residences. This arrangement requires a lot of flexibility and courtesy between the adults, but because both parties value what they stand to gain from the arrangement, they say it is worth it to them. Memorializing the terms of the arrangement, rules and what each party can expect, including an agreement on how disputes will get resolved, helps things run smoothly.

(2) CoAbode – Single Mothers House Sharing can be wonderful short or long-term solution to the housing needs of divorced mothers and their children. CoAbode facilitates house sharing opportunities for single mothers and their children in cities all across the country. For many women, house sharing may be the only way to keep their homes. Likewise, it gives single mothers who are looking for rental housing an alternative to apartment living. Aside from the financial benefits of house sharing, a camaraderie and friendship can develop that is supportive for both families. CoAbode has received gobs of national press (Good Morning America, NPR, USA Today, CNN, ….) and plans to offer a similar service for single fathers and their children in the future. See their website to learn more: www.coabode.com.

(3) Short Sale to Avoid Foreclosure: If the mortgage obligation cannot be met, if the house is worth less than the mortgage obligation, and if the family home is in danger of foreclosure, than a “short sale” might be a solution. Many lenders will work with borrowers to execute a short sale wherein the borrowers find a buyer willing to pay fair market value for their home, and the bank agrees to forgive the difference between the sales price and the mortgage amount. Typically, a borrower must prove that they are financially insolvent to be eligible. About.com has a brief and informative article on options for stopping foreclosure: http://homebuying.about.com/od/4closureshortsales/qt/011708_stopfore.htm. A real estate attorney can provide legal advice and negotiate with lenders on borrowers’ behalf.

Professional legal advice is key before making any decisions about who will live where. See How to Choose an Attorney for tips on how to find the kind of attorney you need.